Cloudy With a Chance of Feeling Sorry For Myself

My melancholy rolled in on the clouds that now cover the sky. The gray suits me perfectly. I can’t put my finger on the source of my melancholy. But I think it has to do with the fact that I feel like I am in a rut, one well traveled with no variation. I have a routine that I stick with and it is the problem, gym, work, home, bed, gym, work home bed. It is pounding inside my head, my own personal mantra. I am to blame though. In an effort to save for my vacation and in general I have made sacrifices. Little did I think I would sacrifice my state of mind.

Do you ever think that things were going to be different? That you aren’t where you thought you would be? I know I think about that in a vague way. I don’t think so much that I would be married by now and have kids, but I thought I would at least be dating someone. I went from dating quite frequently to not at all. I had made a conscious decision to take a hiatus, but truthfully I didn’t think that I wouldn’t be asked out during my hiatus. That’s a blow for the self esteem, you take yourself off the market only to find out that there really wasn’t a market for you. While everyone around you is in thriving relationships, you aren’t even getting a first date.

A large part is choice though. I could have settled for something I didn’t want. But that isn’t me – I can’t lie or be happy with mediocre. So I wait in my rut, going around and around. Jumping up every now and then to see what I am missing.