Every morning I have the same routine. I get in to work, check voicemail read e-mails, and check my personal e-mail. Then comes the blog reading. This morning in reading my favorite blogs, I came across Laurie’s. This mornings installment really resonated with me and reminded me of a time when I didn’t recognize myself.
A few years back I had a series of not so nice boyfriends. And while they weren’t so nice, I blame myself completely. I handed myself over to them completely even though I know they didn’t deserve it. I allowed them to shake the very core of all my thoughts and beliefs. To the point that I had become unrecognizable, a shell that looked like a punching bag. .
I had always been a confident child, outgoing to fault. I was sure of myself and would prove that to anyone. But somewhere along the way as I go older I wasn’t so sure anymore. I started caring about what others thought of me. Giving them the power to control my self image and self esteem. As I started dating, it only got worse, more self doubt was created. And I managed to find those guys that can only build up their self esteem by destroying yours.
About 5 years ago I was in the height of the worst relationship I ever had. I might as well have had EverLast, tattooed on my forehead. My self image was shattered, self esteem was practically non-existent, I had lost my friends and closeted myself away from my family. I was so ashamed of what I had become, that I had cut everyone out. I would like to proclaim here that I had come to my senses and left him. But I can’t because it didn’t happen like that. Pathetically I waited around like a wounded puppy waiting for attention from him and when it stopped, I confronted him. Being the type of guy he is, it was all of a sudden my fault. He didn’t want a girlfriend, like I twisted his arm in to this. He had his fun and he was done, he had completed his job. I sobbed like my heart had been shattered in to a million pieces for like an hour. And like a sun beam thru the clouds, I could feel my old self return. The tears dried and with that the weight that had been piled on my shoulders slowly lifted. It wasn’t the tragedy that I had originally thought. It was the light at the end of the tunnel, a chance to build myself up again.
I haven’t had a serious relationship in 5 years. A large part due to the fear that I would lose myself again, become a shell of the strong person I know I am. But there is a light at the this tunnel as well.