One Day When I Grow Up......

Have you always known something at the back of your mind, but it remained there and never really made it to a completely conscious thought? Some part of me has always known that I would never make my current job, my life long career. Though when I interviewed for the position and the few years after a partnership was the plan, but plans evolve and people change their mind. A partnership is no longer possible and in the last few weeks my boss and I have acknowledged that this isn’t a life long path for me. I have already been with my boss for 8 years, we are family, her children are my nephews and she will always be in my life, this I know. But what I don’t know is what I truly want to do.

Other than this job and my friends, I have never kept anything around for long. I am easily excitable about a new hobby and throw myself in to it, only to lost interest after I have made the investment. Not one of my better qualities. I haven’t even been pursuing my newest hobby all that much, because I can’t get my ass in gear and market the product, out of sheer laziness. So with that background, I am concerned about trying to research and find a career I would like to do long term. That is a terrifying thought to me. Will I continue to do jobs that, while I am good at, aren’t right for me? Just for the sake of paying the bills. I worry that I will regret not taking chances and exploring and possibly finding something I might love.

Also in that pursuit of finding a career that is right for me, I still need to give my current job the attention and devotion it requires. It pays the mortgage and all other fun little bills that come with being an adult. It’s such a tug of war between wanderlust and responsibility. My first thought is to go back to school and take classes in a subject that interests me, testing the water. But I have to be realistic in that, will there be a market for me after I have spent the time, effort and money? Am I strong enough to go out on that limb? Flurries of doubts swirl around my head with the force of tornado winds. And of course, am I jumping the gun in the worry department. Should I put those initial feelers out in to what interests me and then after firmer footing, start dealing with the bigger issues? And I think a portion of what bothers me is that now my boss and I both acknowledge it. She even mentioned that “one day when you don’t work for me”, that was scary to hear. ARGGGHHHH! Round and around its goes…..