Wednesday, May 04, 2005

Public Service Annoucement 2- Tribe Called Naked

Have you ever noticed that the older you get the less a guy tries to get you naked and the more he just slides out of his clothes like an eager puppy that has peed on the floor.
I realize that this is a random thought , but tonight my TV blew and there are few activities that interest me at this particular moment. I mean a minute ago I was happily investigating the eaves of my condo hoping that I could solve unexplained water feature cascading down my window, didn’t have to go to O.S.H hardware for that one.
So back to the Tribe called Naked.....the reason I say tribe is because this is a special clan if you will of men that beat you to being in their birthday suit.
It use to be, in my younger years, a conquest of sorts for the man ( I realize I am being generous with that term) to get you undressed and you feign shock at your lack of coverage. Not like anyone was putting up a fight on that one. However, somewhere along the way the tides changed, we were no longer gift to unwrap, the surprise at the bottom of cereal box. No, instead you are in the middle of a make out session and the movements he is making are not that of some new studied technique to turn you on, but and entire interpretive dance move to end up like the day he was born, naked and grinning. And all the while you are sitting there thinking to yourself " I swear he was clothed a minute ago, am I imagining that he had brown cross stitch knit skin that conveniently changes like the hyper color t-shirt I use to own as a child." Next step is not laugh, which in my case is really hard..... you are curled up on the coach or where ever trying to angle your head for best kissing vantage point, trying not to play nose swords, all the while he was using that as a diversionary tactic. I mean really, is there a special class in high school that sits guys down and says " Ok men ( snicker, sorry couldn’t resist) until the age of 25, it is your mission if you so chose it to undress the subject , after you have successfully mastered this operational maneuver you can progress to Operation It All About You, this new operative’s directive is to get naked before the subject. Make it look you have done her a huge favor and top it with a huge grin. That’s all men- at ease" Why couldn’t girl get a more useful class in highschool or better yet how about a class that taught guys the logistics of what can please a girl. I mean I know some men think its rocket science, but its more like the science of putting the toilet seat down. While not rocket science still considered of the great mysteries of the world. In a parting thought I am sure everyone is thinking, its no wonder she is single.

Stay Tuned...............

Public Service Annoucement 1 - Don't Mess With Texas........Seriously

Ahhh, the first victim, pour soul, I’ll change his name so his wife won’t be embarrassed. I promise this story takes place long before he managed to get someone to meet him at the business end of the aisle.

This story requires a few back ground details, I was 20, and still growing out of my ugly duckling phase (which to this point had lasted 20 years), I went to visit my best friend at the time in Texas where she had moved a year earlier. Visiting her gave me a certain freedom I didn’t have living at home with my parents. We could go out all night, drinking and generally screw around with out getting in trouble.

So here I am in the land of heat, dust and cowboys hats. I meet all of Honey’s friends (don’t laugh, trying to protect the innocent), who are very nice to the immoral girl from California. I kid you not, people from Texas seriously believe we are the wild non-conformist hippies. Far be in from me to ruin a good image! In comes Tex (yes, at times I do have a lack of imagination) a dark haired boy with stunning blue eyes, my only fond memory of him now.

So when you are 19 and still trying to shed the ugly duckling wrap, you are only too thrilled to be paid attention to by any boy possessing all of his teeth, hair and didn’t have a face that resembled a pizza that you had the night before. Bless his heart, he was smitten with this immoral girl from CA. Looking back he probably thought he was going to get lucky, b/c I mean what else do we free-wheeling hippies do but get laid… and… well that’s about it.

Of course the two weeks flew by and it was time to return Hippie Land, vague promises were made for future visits and I hopped on a plane home. A few months went by with nightly soul baring sessions, you can only imagine the joy my parents felt when they opened a multiple paged phone bill each month.

The Visit.

Now I am a fickle creature (as some women can be) and at 20 this was a developing trait. So when Tex walked off the plane and pushed me up against the wall of the airport hallway to remind me what his tongue tasted like, my little heart and assaulted tonsils said “Slow it down cowboy”. Now how bad am I? He’s been in CA for less than 10 minutes and I am already trying to think of ways for him to go back to TX.

In order to avoid any search and rescue with my offended molars my friends (loving souls that they are) agreed on a trip to show him the sights and sounds of San Francisco, a city I couldn’t move 10 feet in without getting lost mind you, and maybe find him a boyfriend… :D, ok I am not that horrible (really). We wandered to the wharf, now let me set the picture… I have Tex and two of my friends with me. We are walking from the tall money sucking parking garage over the wooden bridge to Pier 39, four of us are walking abreast, me, my two friends and Tex at the waaaaaaaay other end. At this point, in the vacation from hell, 3000 miles wouldn’t have been far enough for my liking. Also I might add, during this visit my vocabulary had shrunk from a once impressive collection of eloquent words (I was a walking thesaurus) to three measly words. Three guesses as to the one I used most often… NO. The days remaining of the vacation painfully passed and Tex returned to his homeland with his tail between his legs. I drove off with slight feelings of guilt that I may have not been the best example of the open and loving hippie CA seems to portray. Let me tell you how that didn’t last long, as I barged on to the freeway, tongue lashing ready for the driver who got in my way.

Time goes on and things change, my friend and I don’t talk as much as we use to, ok I haven’t have a really conversation with her for 2 years. I mean I missed her wedding and her divorce, talk about growing apart. I still call once in awhile to find out that no one has landed in jail or changed their sexual preferences, I only said that b/c both of those things happen, thankfully not to the same person who ended up in the big house. Every once in awhile a question would pop out of my mouth inquiring about Tex, how he was doing and what was new. The answers got to be so juicy I made sure I asked every time I had called :D. The latest update I got was that Tex was an MP and an alcoholic - So essentially a drunk man was given a gun and an authoritative title. Tell that doesn’t make warning bells go off in your head. To date and to the best of my knowledge he hasn’t shot anyone yet he hasn’t given up the bottle either, but the up side, he procreated. Woohooo the world is now not so safe a place, lets pray they take after their mother.

Stay Tuned .......

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Dating 101

A few of my friends encouraged me to write about my dating adventures (I use that term loosely) since I always seemed to have the weirdest, funniest, or groan worthy stories. So I have been toying around with the idea, I mean who doesn't enjoy a dating story. Look how far Bridget Jones got (or her author, details details). So here we go........
I have decided not to go in chorological order, it was really who ever came to mind first. So stay tuned for the first installment coming soon.